The statement ‘just be yourself’ is one of the most common pieces of advice given to people when they’re nervous or when they doubt themselves. 

It is also one of the least effective pieces of advice to give to people. 

This is not because people are incapable of being themselves, but because the advice assumes something that is rarely true: that the person already knows who they are.

The Art of Being Yourself

If most people were clear on who they were, then the advice “just be yourself” would be unnecessary.

The confusion lies in the question beneath the advice. Who are you? If that question has not been examined, then what “self” is one supposed to return to? And if being oneself were intuitive and automatic, wouldn’t people already be doing it?

That's where the problem begins.

"Who are you?" - Is there an answer?

This question has proven difficult to answer, mostly because it is not understood. 

In the most basic sense, who you are is simply the fact that you are conscious. Not your name, not your physical traits, not your personality traits, not where you were born, not your culture. 

Because all of those things could have been different. 

What remains constant is the fact that you are the one aware of your experience itself. And that awareness cannot be described. It simply is.

However, this is not what people usually mean when they ask the question.

When someone asks, “Who are you?”, they are often asking a cluster of practical questions at once:
What do you identify with?
What do you like?
Where are you from?
What matters to you?
Who do you hope to become?
Who do you choose to be?

And in that sense, besides the uncharacteristic self you have that is simply conscious of everything it can perceive, you are a coalescence. 

You are shaped by what you have experienced, what you have chosen, what you have paid attention to, what you have consumed, and what you continue to reinforce. 

You are not only what has happened to you, but also how you have responded to it. And over time, these responses accumulate or coalesce and begin to feel like “you.”

Once this is understood, it then becomes clear why so many people feel disconnected from themselves.

They do not like the coalescence they have become. 

And so, if you don’t like who you think you are, or if you feel uncertain about your identity, the issue is not that something essential is missing. 

Rather, you just have not examined the things that sum you up.

When you examine the things that shape who you are, the art of being yourself emerges. 

And you practice this art through a continuous process of finding yourself and then being yourself.

How To Find Yourself

If there is no definite self, then “finding yourself” cannot mean discovering something hidden. 

It means becoming aware of how you are shaped and taking responsibility for shaping yourself deliberately.

The easiest way to go about this is not by addition, but subtraction. And this should be done with as much attention and as little judgment as possible. 

You start paying attention to where your choices are driven by fear of disapproval, where you perform in order to feel worthy, and where you imitate without thinking.

This would bring clarity to a lot of your behavioral patterns. 

With time, you may begin to notice parts of your character that you dislike. That will be your cue to sit with them and to understand them. Why do you have those traits? What problem were they solving? Why don't you like them? Are they inherently bad, or were they simply labeled that way by someone else?

Do this by through journaling, speaking out loud, recording your thoughts, or having honest conversations. Having something you can look back on is what matters.

But introspection alone is not enough.

Finding yourself also requires you to explore outwardly.

You were not born with a complete list of interests, values, or ways of being. In fact there are many things you might deeply resonate with that haven’t crossed your path yet. 

And if you really think about it, you'd realize that your interests are partly accidental. You love what you encountered at the right time, in the right context, with the right emotional readiness. 

If certain things had never existed, most likely something else would have taken their place. 

This means you owe it to yourself to broaden your exposure. 

Read widely. Listen widely. Try things you are not immediately good at. Sit with ideas that challenge you.

This doesn't mean that you should chase novelty endlessly. Rather, it is so that you observe patterns. 

Because inevitably, with time, you would notice that some things just endure. 

And it is those things that endure, the kinds of effort that feel meaningful even when unrewarded, the questions that keep returning, and the values that remain intact even under stress, that will matter in the end.

How To Be Yourself

The major reason the statement “just be yourself” is ineffective is that being yourself is not instinctual. If it were, there would be no confusion and no effort required.

A bird does not need to wonder how to be a bird. Its behavior is guided by instinct. 

Humans, however, are not governed in the same way. We must think, choose, and reflect to become who we are. There is no automatic script for how to live as oneself.

At the same time, humans are social by nature. We will always be influenced. Our thoughts, tastes, values, and behaviors are shaped by culture, relationships, power structures, and expectations. We live inside language and shared meaning. We cannot opt out of influence, and we cannot live without adapting.

That being said, being yourself does not mean existing independently of others. It means maintaining individuality in relation to the community. That way, you can participate in community without your sense of individuality disappearing.

This would mean that being yourself cannot be done passively. It requires active participation and courage. 

To be yourself requires courage, not because you will always be rejected, but because you will not always be affirmed — and that has to be tolerable for you.

This does not mean you should act without regard for others. And as a matter of fact, performance will never fully disappear, nor should it. 

Things such as politeness, professionalism, and compromise are part of living in a community. And acting in the interest of others will often be you acting in your own long-term interest as well. Because you are a part of your community.

Still, none of this requires self-erasure.

But this can prove to be difficult as you may not be aware of when your performance shifts into pretense. Because the line can blur easily. Which is precisely why you must always actively pay attention to it.

Being courageous to be yourself also does not mean being loud or oppositional. It means doing things you genuinely want to do without guarantee that other people would praise you for it. 

Speaking honestly without needing to persuade. Making choices that make sense to you, even when they are misunderstood. 

The courage means drawing a clear line between tasks-
It is your task to live as yourself; it is not your task to manage how others feel about it. 

Your intentions, judgments, and character belong to you. Other people’s opinions do not. You can care about them without obeying. And you can listen without surrendering control.

Finally, being yourself is incomplete without contribution. 

A self that never expresses itself will stagnate. 

To be yourself is to give — through teaching, creating, caring, questioning, building, and helping in your own way. This is how individuality enters the world.

And all of this must be done in earnest, and in the present moment.

Because being yourself is not a state you arrive at. It is an art that must be practiced consciously.

If you feel purposeless, the art of being yourself is a starting point. 

Taking responsibility for your own life is already a purpose. To experience life intentionally from your own point of view—to see, think, feel, and choose consciously; and that is the foundation of all meaningful action.